Crabby and Saggy

If I could just get over this hump

Lately I’ve been hard to reach, I’ve been too long on my own

Everybody has a private world where they can be alone

Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through

Are you reaching out for me, like I’m reaching out for you?

I’m just so fuckin’ depressed, I just can seem to get out this slump

If I could just get over this hump

But I need something to pull me out this dump,

I took my bruises, took my lumps

Fell down and I got right back up

But I need that spark to get psyched back up

In order for me to pick myself back up

Ok , most of you know that these are lyrics from Eminem’s song Beautiful.

So I sole of few lines, but hey did I get your attention, this is some powerful shit and these days I am all about being real and sometimes real just hurts. It was during my first stay at rehab that I was taught that hurt is healing .

I call this blog Drinking Bipolar and at the time it was really to give myself a reason to laugh about the abuse and not take it seriously. But with time , change happens. So , I have been told that this is sometimes brutally honest and sometimes , I am full of shit. Lets, just call this one of my honest moments.

Lately, I can feel myself falling back into an deep place that I don’t want to go into. If you have been there then you will understand , if you haven’t. .. what can I say, read this for amusement . My days have been turning into nights without me evening knowing it. Depression is new to me but I know when I am ‘over the top” . I went to see my therapist today and before I even got to the door I had everything planned out about what I would say . As if I had to see him, still I walked in and my good intentions were f*cked , the tears came and they came. I am depressed he says , I am hiding my depression. I am ashamed of my depression.

I am a fighter ! I will find my way regardless of how I win. Yes, that iS how I look at this f*cking bipolar thinking . It makes hide, it fills me with shame, the regret is deeper, the hurt suddenly has colors, the colors are loud in my ears with song. Are you getting me yet?

how could I not have noticed this before, was I too drunk , too buzzed .. to me?

Acceptance is the only voice that I have left. I am proud to know this, I am scared to accept it.

I look out my window , the sun is setting and my tears are dry, I feel something in my soul that is familiar. turning the music down I go to the mirror and I do a bit of self talk.. I am OK. I am what I am . I am bipolar at midnight ,I am bipolar in midlife, I am bipolar lonely, I am bipolar scared, I am bipolar with regrets, I am bipolar me.

I am bipolar with a voice. I am me and bipolar is saving me . I am sober for now , I go a meeting . I am….. BIPOLAR

The party-chick who probably has seen it all, she isnt tired and she wants to go on. I read this somewhere this weekend , It was dumb and over the top and very much me along time ago.

I thought to myself “hey this is a good opening for my blog,” it is real and honest. Suddenly it became all to real because I rolled with it, and it wasn’t so long ago and at times I still can behave that way.

Let’s get this out of the way for those that may want to bitch and complain . I am not a doctor nor am I giving advice , so if you are offended , move on.

Ok now back to my rambling, I ask myself , Self what in the f*ck was so special about being the party-chick, you know the one that just tags along , and thinks sleep does not apply to you ?

I must admit that right off , I am not struck with thoughts of regret and “if only “ shit.

No , I have flashbacks of some pretty wild times , Alaska being one of them, mostly me talking to bears dressed as yogi and the bunch. I laugh out loud . This doesn’t last long because I am in the bedroom and we have company in the living-room . (being sick gets me out of these everlasting visits). My point being , I wish that I had taken another road.But I didn’t. I chose to party hard and run wild. I pay the price now but it wasn’t all bad. I can laugh about it. Tonight ! I am happy for the times that these memories do not tear me into pieces , and allow me to think back to how I may have felt then.

I beat myself up enough on a daily basis for the choices that I have made. So whenever, I am allowed to smile about the dumb shit that my former party-chick self made .. Great! I reach deep down into my gut and allow the laughter to come out with guilt.

Anyone who has been there knows this is no easy matter because ,you only get that one or two minutes before reality sets in.

Looking in the mirror , winkles line me face , my hair is thinner while my waist is larger and my heart is heavy… still I smile, just a bit .

The party-chick who probably has seen it all, she isn’t tired and she wants to go on.

The party-chick who probably has seen it all, she isnt tired and she wants to go on. I read this somewhere this weekend , It was dumb and over the top and very much me along time ago.